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M.S.R.P. II • View topic - Diggin' up shit [Blackmail/recruitment]

M.S.R.P. II

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PostPosted: Sun Mar 05, 2006 5:11 am 
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Posts: 216
It wasn't me.
<embed src="http://ia300117.us.archive.org/3/items/it_wasnt_me_/ShaggyItWasntMe.mp3">

Vincent was sitting at his bar, the action there had been dull lately, he stands up from his table and started to walk out the door, he had been sober for about a week now and hasn't had even a little bit of drugs in his system at the time. As he left the meeting room he nods to the bouncer, after the bouncer nodding back, the bouncer closed the door. Now Vince was in the Bar room where the costumers where. Vincent looks at the bartender.

"Hey, look afta' the bar for me."He said in his strong Italian accent.

The bartender nodded as Vince left the bar. His pocket buzzed and beeped, it was his pager. Vincent grabbed his pager and looked at it. It said Black mail. It was code for Recruiting cops. Black mail was the easiest way to recruiting a cop for cheap, as long as you select the right person.


Diggin' up the dirt.

Vince saw a police officer in an undercover police car, he had flowers in his hand and a kiss mark on his face. He quickly got into the cab waiting outside of the bar for him and told the cab driver to tail the man until he came to a stop. Finally the car they where tailing stopped at a Mc Donalds. After the man parking his car and leaving the flowers in the car, the cab driver parked his car next to his and walked inside. He saw the man waiting in line to order, Vince quickly got behind him in line acting casual.

"Hey there, cheating huh?"

The police officer growing a fake look, acting as if he had no clue what he was talking about.

"Excuse me?"

Vincent started talking again.

"No need to act dumb, I could tell by your hair being messy, the make up on your shit, the pre fume and lipstick marks all over your face, that's not even seeing you had flowers either."

The cop sighed and dropped his head thinking,'Damn'. But he thought better him then his wife. "Thank you, I didn't realize it was that obvious."

Vince smiled,B]"No problem, now go take a shower get a change of clothes, tell your wife you where having to stay up late and try to take a shower before you go him next time before someone notices."[/B]

Vince after this done stuck his hands in his pocket and set off the buzzer of his pager he pulled it out and looked at it sighing.

"Shit," He said in an angry voice."I have to go, great talkin' with ya'."

The cop nodded and waved goodbye.

"Thanks for the help!"

Vincent walked out the door and looking at the license plate, memorizeing it for future references. Vince didn't think it would be so easy finding someone. Vince left the establishment and getting back on the roads tryin' to perhaps find anouther cop to black mail. Vincent was riding down a street when he saw in an alley a man with a gun pulled up to another. He noticed there was a cop car there also and the man pointing the gun looked like a police officer. The cop was yelling at the man on the ground looking like he was talking shit to him, or telling him what he did wrong. Quickly Vince grabbed his camera and started taking pcitures, after taking about three pictures, the cop shot the man killing him. Vincent took another picture of the him doing the final shot and got back into the cab yelling the at the cab driver, "Drive fast!" The cab driver quickly stepped on the pedal and driving.

The recruit.

The next following weekend Vincent was in a cab only driving around. Vincent was keeping his eyes peeled for the familiar license plates. it was dark and hard to see, but it wouldn't' stop Vincent. Vince told the cab driver to stop where they where, he knew it would be easier going by foot, easier to find parked cars at least. Once Vincent got out he handed the cab driver the money he owed. And walked along the sidewalk. After walking for 20 minutes, Vince came across the same cop car from Mc Donalds. He smiled as the door opened Vince had the camera in his hand at the time. he aimed the camera at the door crouching and from an angle so he could get a could shot of them kissing. Vince took on picture as they kissed and then another as they hugged. Vincent hid behind the car waiting for him to go to the car.
As the door closed and the car door opened, Vince stood up saying,"Stop right there for a minute, I have pictures of you right here in this camera, He points at his camera,"I will show your wife, unless you work for Millazo, we need more police on our side. If you don't these will be givin' to your wife and kids, your parents and other family relatives."

The cop looked at Vince angerd, the cop replies," How do I know you're not lieing?"

Vince laughed,"If I where you, I wouldn't take any chances."

The cop nodded in shame."Ok, fine, I will help you."

Vince smiled, "Great, see ya' around."[/B]

Vince turned around remembering, he had no car he says"Actually, help me find this license plate, he is also a officer, already crooked, just crooked for the wrong reasons."

The cop nodded,"Ok.

The police officer and Vince got into the car and the cop started to drive around. They had the lights on and where paying attention to cop cars driving by. They pull over at a police car with the license plate Vince had recorded. Vince stepped out and so did the cop. They saw the door open and the man stepping out. They stood there as they looked at the man. The man started walking down his steps and tried to get into his car, but Vince stopped him,

"Hold one once second please, I have something to discuss with you."

The man looked at Vince.

"What?"

Vincent looked at the man.
"Well, long story short, I have pictures of you killing a man point blank range. And if you don't join Millazo, you will be reported to the police department, which means you will lose your badge, and maybe even life."

The man thought to him self'Damn.'

"Al right, I'll join."

Vince smiled,
"Great, see you two around."

The two police officers got into their cars and Vincent went on a walk.

_________________
Vincent Pizzo
Millazo family/Mademan
_______________________
Weopons

Glock 21 [x1]
[x2]Kevlar Vest
[x1]Colt M-16 Switchblade
[x2]AK-47
[x2]Sig Sauer P220
_____________________
Equipment
[x2]Kevlar Vest
[x2]Ski Mask
[x2]Shoulder Holster
_____________________
Vehicles:
Cadillac 73
2005 Mercedes-Benz G-Class G55 AMG
_____________________
NPC's
Antonio Pizzo[CA Gunmen/CC Dealer]Twin[Equiped wit Ak-47, Ski Mask, shoulder holsters, Sig Sauer P220

Establishments:



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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sun Mar 05, 2006 5:14 am 
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Joined: Fri Feb 03, 2006 1:21 am
Posts: 216
Requests:
[X2]NPC police officers
The pictures and camera safe with Vince
Tips?

Note: The Mc Donalds part was not to get more words, it was so he didn't go home, ad get busted before Vince could get em'

_________________
Vincent Pizzo
Millazo family/Mademan
_______________________
Weopons

Glock 21 [x1]
[x2]Kevlar Vest
[x1]Colt M-16 Switchblade
[x2]AK-47
[x2]Sig Sauer P220
_____________________
Equipment
[x2]Kevlar Vest
[x2]Ski Mask
[x2]Shoulder Holster
_____________________
Vehicles:
Cadillac 73
2005 Mercedes-Benz G-Class G55 AMG
_____________________
NPC's
Antonio Pizzo[CA Gunmen/CC Dealer]Twin[Equiped wit Ak-47, Ski Mask, shoulder holsters, Sig Sauer P220

Establishments:



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 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sun Mar 05, 2006 8:17 am 
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Joined: Tue Feb 28, 2006 4:02 am
Posts: 204
Location: Karlstad
Requests:
[X2]NPC police officers - 0 NPC police officers
The pictures and camera safe with Vince - No pictures and camera safe with Vince
Tips? - See below.

Award Reasoning/Comments:

"0 NPC police officers" - You did not receive either of the police officers, and here is why: I did not believe any of what took place. You played them off as dunces, dullards, if you will. I don't think they would drop character at the drop of a hat. Example:

- "No need to act dumb, I could tell by your hair being messy, the make up on your shit, the pre fume and lipstick marks all over your face, that's not even seeing you had flowers either."

The cop sighed and dropped his head thinking,'Damn'. But he thought better him then his wife. "Thank you, I didn't realize it was that obvious."

1.) How does your character know that this officer is, in fact, an officer? You gave no detail on how your character was privy to this information. There is a reason police officers go under cover, and that is so the general public do not know, in fact, that they are police officers. A mere civilian to our eyes.
2.) Perhaps a guy walking with flowers and smothered in make-up with messy hair was hounded by his spouse before leaving his home, and decided to repay her with some floral treats? All I am really saying in this rant is that you need to provide more background detail on situations like these, especially with police involved.

"No pictures and camera safe with Vince" - You were not awarded the pictures taken or the camera used to take those pictures. My reasoning on this is because of the whole realism with the officers, themselves.

1.) The part where your character stepped out of the cab and snapped some shots of the officer killing the man in the alley is a little off. Vince being able to come upon a situation like this would mean many others would, as well. I'm not saying they did not, but I'm implying that an officer would not shoot a man, who is lying face down, mind you, for the hell of it. It's fairly obvious the man has given up to the law and is accepting his arrest. This could very well happen, but an officer would not do it where any old Joe could stop and take a few pictures. It would probably take place in an enclosed location, if any.

"See below" - Self-explanatory.

Post Critique:

- To be quite honest, which is best, I found many things wrong with this post. I'm not going to bash you and accuse you of wrong doings, I'm going to help you. Yes, you did have spelling errors and run-on sentences, things easy to work on, but, what didn't tickle my fancy was the realism of the piece. It seemed too much to the point and had dolts playing the roles of the law enforcement. I've covered my spiel on the officer's intelligence before, so we'll leave that alone. What we only have to discuss right now is your grammatical errors. Allow me to fix-up your first part of the story:

Vincent was sitting at his bar, where the action had been dull lately. He stood up from his table and started for the door. Sober for about a week now, he didn't even have the slightest amount of drugs in his system. As he left the meeting room he nodded towards the bouncer, who had returned the gesture. Vince entered the bar where the costumers were.

"Hey, look afta' the bar for me," he said with his strong Italian, accent, staring at the bartender.

The bartender nodded as Vince left. His pocket buzzed and beeped, it was his pager. Vincent grabbed his pager and looked at it. It said "Blackmail," a code for recruiting cops. Blackmail was the easiest way to recruit a cop for cheap, as long as you select the right person.

- Some commas had been added, words fixed, and sentences cut. This is just a small part, as far as I'm concerned, in role-playing. Of course, you should be literate, but if you can be a storyteller, it almost doesn't show. Combining the two can result in a good, solid story worthy of it's reader's enjoyment and it's full requests. Realism, on this game, at least, is key. Keep that in mind, along with your correct grammar use, and you'll do just fine here. Good luck in future posts, and I hope to read them.

Done and Locked!

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