M.S.R.P. II

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PostPosted: Thu Mar 09, 2006 8:11 pm 
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Joined: Tue Feb 14, 2006 6:55 pm
Posts: 57
[size=75]When a man hath no freedom to fight for at home,
Let him combat for that of his neighbours;
Let him think of the glories of Greece and of Rome,
And get knocked on his head for his labours.

To do good to mankind is the chivalrous plan,
And is always as nobly requited;
Then battle for freedom wherever you can,
And, if not shot or hanged, you'll get knighted
– Lord Byron.



It was quarter to twelve at night and I was sitting on a bar stool, cradling a highball between my damp hands, and watching the flickering little television at the left side of the bar. There was a police chase on the news just outside of Hoboken. My eyes started to get misty from staring at the screen, so I turned to one side and took in the rest of the bar. It was poorly-lit; most of the light coming from one of those bar-lights which hang over snooker tables. There were two slender black women playing pool. To my right was an empty stool, and the next one after that was occupied by a young, muscular Hispanic looking guy, who was watching the women, and addressing them by name. Next to him sat an older man, about fifty, who was much drunker than me. Not in a noticeable way; he wasn’t loud or clumsy; rather, he was very still, only his eyes gave him away. They were bloodshot and unfocussed, surrounding by the sallow and baggy skin of his long, prematurely-lined face. He was wearing a long, grey coat which reached halfway down his legs and was made of some cheap, thin cloth. The two women were getting loud, but the Hispanic guy didn’t seem to mind; he laughed loudly and urged them on. Very slowly, the drunk shifted round in his seat, a gin in one hand, and looked at the girls with hazy disapproval. He frowned in clear annoyance, in a way a sober man might think impolite. The Hispanic noticed, and completely misunderstood. [b]â€

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Last edited by Nick Bansfield on Thu Mar 30, 2006 7:45 am, edited 3 times in total.

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PostPosted: Mon Mar 13, 2006 2:20 am 
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Joined: Tue Feb 28, 2006 4:02 am
Posts: 204
Location: Karlstad
Post Critique:

- Since it seems you have yet to request anything, I will give my critique: Simply amazing. Though it took me some time to read due to work and whatnot, I'm in love. I haven't enjoy reading that much since American Psycho. You could easily be the most entertaining on this site. Every bit of detail, every bit of dialogue... I loved it and cannot wait for the rest. I could go on and on about how great it was, but I'll refrain.


Leaving Open - { If anyone else posts in here other than myself or Nick, I will push your face through the back of your head. }

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PostPosted: Mon Mar 13, 2006 8:35 am 
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Oh my friggin(cant swear-school filter) God!!!! I have posted the remainder TWICE! What the holy frig(!) is going on??? I'll try posting the rest separately tonight.... :x

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PostPosted: Mon Mar 13, 2006 7:04 pm 
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Ok, here we are at last
:wink:

[size=75][b]â€

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PostPosted: Tue Mar 21, 2006 6:42 am 
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Joined: Sat Jan 21, 2006 5:17 am
Posts: 455
Location: Kyyiv, Ukraine
*Drum roll* I take over for Spookshow : D

OK, *Wipes sweat off from forehead*... very f*re89 long! But It's worth to be long, very good. I'm sure this took you a while and some hard work to do. My favourite, I know It's something small, nothing very big is how you use your dialouge, I mean every cop should do it like that. I mean it was like watching a movie or something. Really, very good. But the thing that I didnt like is how you put them in order. Example...

[quote]â€

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[Eli The Dealer; Said;]
Get off my nuts, faggot.

[Mr. BigValboski; Said;]
How could you leave MSRP! FAGGOT! TRAITOR!

[Eli The Dealer; Said;]
Just like when I left your mom after I fucked her without a condom, and she became pregnant with you.

[Mr. BigValboski; Said;]
My mom killed her self

[Eli The Dealer; Said;]
Yeah, so would I if I was her, I mean raising a kid like you by her self... damn... good for her.


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