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PostPosted: Sat Apr 15, 2006 4:19 am 

Joined: Sat Mar 11, 2006 3:42 am
Posts: 74
/Little Start /

Being born in Brooklyn, New York at a young age, he really didn’t know who his real parents were. But the thing that he did know that Salvatore Lucchese was his father. Well at least in his eyes. Just after he had been adopted by old Salvatore Lucchese, Tom started going good in school. Being renamed to Giuseppe, Tom didn’t want that, he had changed his name back to Tom once more, since it was what he was born with. But his real parents, where ever they were, he didn’t want to know about them, didn’t actually care. But when the hoodlum age passed, all the drug deals and hits that Tom did when he was young those times passed, now he was an Consiglieri, that meant he wasn’t a violent man anymore, but handled business the way it was supposed to be handled, talking it out and those sort of stuff. Finishing up school at the University of New York, Tom had the license to be a lawyer, but did he take that job at full time? No, he still stayed in the thing of ours and helped out his father, Sal. Who helped him live on his life. Being a lawyer wasn’t bad though if you would think about it, having a lawyer around in the ‘Business’ was actually good if you had the brains, since the cops were always around it was good to have somebody in the family that had the chance to get you out, somebody you could trust. That’s why Tom was the Consiglieri and the family attorney. He didn’t do it for him self, he did it for the family.

At just age thirteen Tom already knew what the ‘Mafia’ was, and all those stuff. What his dad was, how couldn’t he? Talk was everywhere about his father, who was the biggest mobster in the city, and if you were the son, you were big and respected around schools, in the store when you would go, even when you went to guy buy some bread for your mother, people would ask to carry the bags for you, it wasn’t because of fear, it was out of respect, that’s how the stuff was, that’s how it always was for Tom until he had hit age nineteen he was now a Associate in the family. That’s when it all started for Tom, the drug deals and the hits on the other wise guys that belonged to the other families, all that stuff. But quickly did Tom move up the ranks, soon he was made into the family by his late father who was the Don then. But at the time the under boss was still William ‘Laughter’ Carpozi, but they had Willie Cicci as Consiglieri, Willie didn’t last to long until he got infected with lung cancer he had retired and stayed loyal after his death just when Tom had reached capo regime. Now the Irish man had his own crew, at first of course he was hated since he was Irish and bellow him were all Italians, wouldn’t you be mad? But the rule was, if you were adopted by a fully blooded Italian, it meant the books could have been opened to you. Well at was like that, until the rule was changed, but the rule had changed later and didn’t bother Tom who after the capo regime rank he carried for about two years officially became the official Family lawyer. Being the family lawyer that was when it all started, where all the violence out of Tom stopped. But serving as family lawyer and winning a couple of cases to pull out the wise guys that were busted by the cops out of jail wasn’t that fun for Tom, he wanted to do something else for his life. So that’s when he was promoted to Consiglieri. That’s when Tom’s career started. Consiglieri was the right rank for Tom, even everybody said it, from John Gotti to the rest of the other wise guys that Tom had contact with. But would he ever hit under boss or even be boss? No, Tom didn’t want that. He would stay consigliore until he could, and after the time would pass, he would probably retire in a home and stay loyal to the family. But Tom had a ton of years ahead of him. Ton of years to make history.

/Associate, The New Life (Age 19) /

”Wo-hoo.” Yelled the young Tom McLeyin as he slammed the cards on the table. Being only nineteen and now playing with a bunch of wise guys in the basement was the dream, It really was for him. ”’Ey Mikey, get that son of a bitch.” Said Tom being followed by letting out a small laugh. Seeing Mikey, an associate from the Lucchese family also get slapped by Joe, also an associate, Tom let out a laugh because of that. Because the slap was so loud and hard, that it left a red mark on Mikey. But Mikey of course being the pussy one, didn’t do nothing but go sit down and play the cards again. ”So, any news from you’re father Tom?” Asked Mikey, as Tom for a second stopped dealing the cards he held in his hand and gave a look at Mikey. ”What the feck do you mean, news from my father?” Asked Tom, getting a little mad. Nobody still in the room knew why. ”Wha’ I mean is, how is he doin’?” Asked Mikey, with a little more detail of what he was asking about. Tom for a second didn’t say nothing but just nod back his head and continued to deal the cards. ”I don’t know, I guess he is alright.” Replied Tom, he really didn’t like talking about his father, especially to people who were connected to the family, like Mikey and Joe. Having the cards dealed, all three of the young Associates sat there, and played the cards with the cigar hanging from Tom’s mouth he gave a glance at his watch and shook his head side ways. ”Fuck guys, I got to’ be goin’ home. I’ll catch ya in the morni’” Said Tom to the guys with the little irish accent he had. Nodding, before leaving he gave them each a slap on the hand and nodded again, then he headed up the stairs where he seen Bruno, the janitor sweep up the floor. ”’ey Tom, say hello to your dad for me, will ya’?” Said Bruno as Tom winked and nodded, having that set he headed outside, where he walked down the street, heading home.

The Next Morning

Just as Tom woke up, he had token a look at the watch on the wall in his room, seeing it was time to get up he rolled in the blanket and sat on the edge of the bed, scanning the floor for his pajamas. Finding the pajamas, he grabbed them and put them on. Having them on he got up and headed straight to the bathroom to freshen up. After freshening up, he feeled now much better with his teeth brushed, and face washed, he had gotten rid of the crust around the eyes that he hated. Walking to the kitchen counter he took the cereal box and then grabbing the used bowl that was sitting on the counter, he poured in the cereal into it, and then opening up the fridge he noticed there was no milk. ”Fuck…” He said to him self quietly as he shook his head again sideways, but nothing he could do but go to the store later on, he didn’t want to go now, just for milk.

Walking back to the couch with no breakfest, just as he sat down from inside his ears came a ringing sound. Looking around he looked at the phone and seen the little red thing that was next to it blink, that meant that the phone was ringing of course. Gabbing the phone as he reached for it with his right hand he took it to his ear and spoke,

”Tom.” He said with his voice cracking a little bit as he answered the phone. It always happened when he spoke for the first time in the morning, just for some reason his voice always cracked, but after in the day getting a couple of shots of beer and such it would go away.

”Tom, It’s Joe… bad news. Mickey had just been whacked.” Said Joe, who blurred out the information very quickly at Tom, who didn’t know what to say because he was shocked by the news. Whacked already? Tom thought, he had just started in the business.

”What the fuck do you mean whacked, who?” Asked Tom again, as he spoke out. Really not knowing what to say he thought of that, it was the first thing that popped into mind so he said it.

”We don’t know who did it, must have been out of hatred or something’, since the kid didn’t do nothing.” Said Joe again, explaining a little bit. Leaving Tom to think a little bit.

”Okay look, meet me at Bellas in a couple before I get shit straight, ‘aight?” Said Tom, as he needed a couple of minutes to him self, just to get shit straight and think for a second.

Having put the phone down he put his head down on the table and let out a little cry. For who? For Mickey of course, who was about his best friend, not just in the business, but growing up the two knew each other. But he had to suck it up, if you diciseded to join the mafia, this is what was coming’ by days and days. Whackings and deaths, it was the life they chose. The life Tom chose.

That morning it was all bad when Tom arrived at Bellas, where inside were a couple of the made man, and even the capo at the time, Joe Leone. Joe, the capo was a ball breaka’ they say, but good thing Tom wasn’t in his crew, because really he couldn’t deal with hard heads like him. ”’Ey, Tommy boy. Sorry to hear.” Said Joe, the capo as he walked up to Tom and gave him a tap on the cheek. ”Just fuhgeddabout it, it’ll pass ya’.” Said Joe again as Tom smiled, with a fake smile and then nodded. Seeing Joe now, the other Joe, his friend that he liked. Tom walked over to Joe, who had his head down, probably because now Mikey was dead, gone. ”’Ey, how was he clipped?” Asked Tom, as he put his hand around Joe and calmed him down a little bit. It wasn’t nobody fault, it was jut life. The mafia life. ”They burned him! Fucking burned him!” Yelled Joe, as he looked straight for a second, but having yelled he looked back down as Tom studied the room and kept looking at Joe, the capo. ”I’ll bet that bastard did it!” Said Tom angrily to Joe, his friend. As Joe took a look at the other Joe, the capo and shook his ahead for some reason agreeing. ”Look, I got to be going, I’ll see you later man. Take care.” Said Tom as he gave him a tap on the back and left the place and headed somewhere else.

The Next Day

The Next day nobody spoke about Mickey anymore. It was like it never happened. But still in his mind and his dream that he has, It was stuck in Tom’s head for some reason that Mickey was missing, that he was whacked. It wasn’t that Tom couldn’t accept it, it was just that everybody forgot about it, that’s what he hated. But somehow he made a decision, it was a big decision. Being sure that Joe, the capo he met earlier, Tom was sure that he killed Mickey, because who else would take over for Joe but Mickey, who was ready for capo. So that’s why Joe killed him, since people had forgot about that, Tom didn’t and he would put a end to Joe, for once.

Just arriving at Giuseppe’s in the back of the house. Tom looked around, usually Giuseppe was back here fixing up his ride he had, a old school mobster car. It was weird, but he wasn’t here to buy a car or none that. He was here to get a piece, and by piece he meant a gun, for the job he would do. Giuseppe was the only person Tom could trust when it came to guns, since they had a special tape around the trigger and the holding part, so it couldn’t be traced, so where ever you killed anybody you could just throw away the gun and dump it there, without sweating about the feds finding you ; Whispering as he walked around by the back door, Giuseppe jumped up out of nowhere, with a shovel in his hand. ”Fucking rat somewhere…” Said Giuseppe in Italian as Tom smiled and gave him a Sicilian kiss on the cheek, Giuseppe did the same. ”So, what drops you by Tommy boy?” Asked Giuseppe as Tom looked around the car, giving that a glance he looked back to Giuseppe and spoke, ”I need a piece my man.” Replied Tom, as he came here to buy a gun. Nodding, Giuseppe told him to wait there as Giuseppe turned around quickly and headed inside the little house where he looked around and than came back outside with two guns, one shot gun that had the special tape and the other a Tommy Gun. Smiling, Tom took the two guns and put them in the briefcase he had. ”Grazie, I’ll keep in touch.” Said Tom, as he rolled up the bag so it wouldn’t open up on the street, and with that he headed, to do the job, for Mickey.

Spotting Joe and his bodyguard it looked like. Tom had been following them all the way from his house. Seeing them pull up in the whore house building. Tom smiled and still had the black bag. Smiling as he seen Joe and his bodyguard go in the building Tom started walking towards the building. Having reached the building he stopped and waited there just for a couple of seconds before he went inside, he would let Joe have the chance to get ready before he went inside and took care of business. Now as he waited for a couple of seconds outside in front of the step he opened up the door and got inside, looking around. Having the guns in the bag he looked around for Joe, no where to be seen he would go ask the waiter that worked there, he would surely must of seen something. Walking up to him Tom spoke, ”Have you seen two guys just walk in, where’d they go?” Asked Tom, as he gave the chance to the waiter to reply with the right answer, hopefully. ”They have the first room on the second floor.” Replied the waiter as Tom smiled and nodded and the same time. Thanking the waiter Tom headed up the stairs and hearing the door close as he reached the second floor, he spotted Joe’s bodyguard in the hallway making out with a hooker. He knew Joe was inside, so going into the hallway, he whistled, catching the attention of the bodyguard. ”Um… there is a cop outside, giving ya’ll a ticket.” Said Tom, pretending to be just a guy, since the bodyguard didn’t know him. As the guard stopped making out with the girl she just left for some reason, but this was even better, leaving the hallway empty with him. Leaving an angry face on the bodyguards face, Tom smiled as the guard took a look at the girls ass as she walked away. ”Women can kill ya’.” Said Tom, as he reached into the bag he had around his shoulder and took out the shot gun that was ready to shoot with. Having it out and seeing the guard look at it, it made a open mouth on his face, but it was to late to yell as Tom show two bullets at the guy, one hitting his chest and the other hitting his head. Blowing it up. Now Tom knew he had to move fast since Joe most likely heard the bullets, nodding to him self he cocked the shot gun and walked over to the door, but just as he stopped in front of the door it was open by the hooker, not knowing the hooker was coming out, Tom hesitated and shot, hitting her in the stomach and flying her to the wall, dead. Now cocking the gun again, to make sure the gun was filled. Tom took a peek in the room and noticed Joe hiding behind the. Tom knew he couldn’t wait long, but he took the risk and waited about five seconds, as he waited he noticed Joe throw a water bottle at him, that meant that he had no gun to Tom, so taking the risk Tom jumped in front of the door and let go the two bullets he shot. Both of them hitting Joe’s head, killing him instantly Tom looked around the room and then turned around and headed out of the place, storming out. Not caring if people had seen his face, but since there wasn’t that many people as he reached the bottom, only the waiter and a lady, Tom shot both of them down, killing them. Then he knew he would be safe when he headed out and he was, as he headed out the place and headed to his apartment, for a while to be there, until something better came up.

/Made-Man , The Continue Of The Mob Life( Age 28 ) /

Half of the years have passed since Tom was an associate. Now being a made man, he really was into the stuff. But the problem now was, that he couldn’t leave the life with out retiring or dying, that was the stuff when you were made, when the books were open to you. That’s how it was everywhere.

”Congrats’ my man.” Said the old guy that owned the bakery store to Tom when he walked in. Smiling at him, that was how he said thank you. Tom really thanked him later when he paid about eighty bucks for one piece of bread. That’s how it was. But did Made Man really tip that much? Or was Tom just over reacting and just excited because he had gotten made. But the thing he did think of was if he ever got capo, would be a hard head or just a nice guy? Tom really was a calm guy, especially since he got a little older, when he served as associate he was a little crazy guy, who liked to kill. He really didn’t do any drug deals, since his father didn’t like them, so he didn’t want to bring them in the family. But if any body did bring them in the family he wouldn’t be the one.

Arriving back at the apartment where he stayed at, he had the bread in his hand, but as he got to the table he put the bread down and gave a look around the room. Noticing everything was the same he sat down and started watching the Television, it was something he always did, got stuff out of his mind. People say when you are in a mob you don’t have time for that kind of stuff. That was bullshit if you would ask Tom or anybody in the Lucchese family, because the first thing they really did have was fun, then the business would come. Especially if you were a low rank, like associate or made man. But when you reached capo that’s when the business would end up at ;; Sitting there, Tom continued to flip the channel’s, nothing really was on TV, but he still didn’t give up looking for his show, as he flipped he stopped on ‘Fear Factor’ and started watching as he sat there and relaxed. Watching the TV he took a piece of the plain bread and ate some, some, and some more as he watched the show.

The Next Day

Just last night Tom had gotten a call from the Consiglieri, Willie Cicci that he had a meeting attend to, and Tom would go with him, a bodyguard or something. Tom was surprised that Cicci asked him. But if you did think about it Tom was the son of the boss, and Tom knew that Cicci had the trust in him, then anybody else. Even though he was just a made man, it didn’t really matter. It was out of the ranks what he was.

”Fuck…” He said again to him self, as he started looking for his holster. Looking in the closet now, filled with more suits since he became made man, he looked on the bottom and there it was, picking up the holster he hooked it on. Inside the holster already was a six shooter. That was all he needed thought Tom as he nodded and zipped up the holster, with the gun inside, loaded gun. Having that set, he quickly walked into his bed room before leaving, and stood in front of the tall thin mirror checking his suit, if it looked alright. He wore a black suit, with a white button up shirt, red tie, and some dress pants, and some loafers. To him it looked alright, looked like a real gangster. Leaning in a little forward, he looked at his hair and fixed it a little bit, there was a little bump on the back but that was gone as he fixed it with some spit and his hand, pushing it down. ”Aye.” He said to him self, as he headed out of the bedroom and out of the apartment, heading to go meet up with Cicci, see what’s up.

Cicci was at Bellas, the restaurant everybody went to. It was sort of like a headquarters you could say. It was a bakery and a pub at the same time. Weird, but fun. Especially the basement where all the wise guys played cards, those were the times, thought Tom as he got in the cab and headed off to the place. Driving in the back of the cab, for some weird reason he remembered his friend Mickey who was whacked when Tom had just started, a little while after. Why did he start thinking of Mickey? He seen the car shop called Mickey’s. Anything that he seen or met a Mickey, it reminded him of his old pal’, who was still with him in his heart. But in the future, Tom would have to move on, like everybody told him and he told him self, it was the business that did it, nobody else. But still not forgetting when he whacked the capo when he was the associates, he had gotten hell for that from his father, but luckily he didn’t get whacked. It was something that was cool, when you were the son of the don, for some reason.

”Yea’ right there amico.” Said Tom as he pointed at the restaurant. The driver didn’t really say anything but pull in the parking lot. As he did pull in, he turned off the car and gave Tom the chance to get out. But since Tom had some spare cash in his pocket he took out a roll of money out of his pocket, since the thing was, a wise guy never carried a wallet, something he learned when he first started, and it stuck with him. ”There ya go my man.” Added Tom as he pulled out about thirty bucks from the roll and have that to the driver for the nice ride. Thanking the driver with no words, but money, Tom stepped out and before heading inside Bellas, he looked around and spotted some nice looking girls over there, but he wouldn’t go bother and mess with them now, he had better stuff to do ;; Walking in the place he looked around and spotted Cicci who was alone sitting at the end of the bar, talking to the bartender. But as Tom approached him, Cicci told the bartender to go away, and that he did. Before sitting down, Tom spotted some guards that were protecting the place, that was the good stuff he always said to him self, when there was guards who protected your shit when you were the owner. But he would think about that later. Sitting down Tom gave a Sicilian kiss to Cicci who returned one back and smiled. ”Good to see you Tommy boy, how ya doin’?” Asked Cicci as Tom just shook his head. How would he be doing? He cant be doing bad, he has to be doing good, for a lot of reasons. ”Good, good. How about your self?” Asked Tom back as Cicci said the same. Both of them for some reason did good, everybody in Lucchese felt good, always. It was something special about the family. ”So, what is this meeting’ we goin’ to?” Asked Tom, as he wondered what the meeting he was going to. He was going to, and he didn’t know what it was about. ”I’ll talk about it in the car, lets, go.” Suggested Cicci, as Tom nodded and helping Cicci with the big coat, Tom followed him outside. ”Drive my car.” Said Cicci, as Tom nodded and cough they keys to Cicci’s car as he threw him. Getting in Tom turned on the car and he drove away slowly, as Cicci took a deep breath and a little shrug for some reason, and he started to speak, ”Well see, this guy Al who we are meeting with, he wants to help out the family and pull some drug shit for us, but we aren’t sure if we can trust this guy.” Said Cicci the first part, as Tom took a turn and kept on driving. ”Now, the don, your father sent me over there, to see what he wants and stuff. But want to know why you came along?” Asked Cicci, as Tom made another turn, and hopefully they were almost there. ”Hmm?” Tom made the sound as Cicci took another deep breath and spoke, as he rubbed his mustache. ”If anything goes wrong, I want you to get out of there and get the word out, got it?” Asked Cicci, as Tom just nodded and made one final turn and then Cicci told him to pull over at the restaurant, with the alley on the side. Pulling up in front of it, Tom turned off the car and both of them got out usually like always.

”Okay, see that step over there?” Asked Cicci, as he pointed over there at the alley, there was a window and a step over there, where you could see everything inside. Tom just shook his head, saying yes, since he did see it. ”Just stay guard, and keep a eye inside, like I said, anything goes wrong, you get the hell outta here kid.” Said Cicci again, as Tom nodded and put the car keys into his pocket. Tom did have one gun just to make sure as he walked over to the alley and took a step on the step, looking inside he didn’t see Cicci inside yet, but as two other guys walked in the room by as mall bar, Cicci had walked in. It was a empty place, Tom felt that it was a set up, but wasn’t sure, he would see for him self now. Looking inside he noticed them talking for a second, but as one of the other guys held Cicci’s hand the other guy out of nowhere had pulled out a pocket knife and stuck it on Cicci’s hand. Tom couldn’t hear the screaming coming out of Cicci, but he seen the other guy pull out a gun and shoot him twice in the chest. Not kowing what to do, but hearing the voice of Cicci say get out of here, Tom didn’t. Pulling out his hand gun, he cocked it and got it ready, he had enough bullets to take out anybody in there. Going trough the back, he didn’t see anybody guarding the back door, must have been the kitchen he said to him self as he got to the door, and took a peek inside since it was open a little bit. But as he looked inside he noticed two guys smoking, they weren’t chefs, they were rather gangsters, since they had suits and just had the gangster look about them. Tom slowly pointing the gun at one of them, slowly pulling the trigger the shot was fired, the guy fell dead, and the other just stood there shocked, it seemed like he had slow reactions, but after a couple of seconds it was to late for him to do anything, Tom took him down after. Having them two down, Tom crouched under the little kitchen counter and noticing on the floor, he seen a shot gun, better then the six shooter he said to him self again, as he grabbed the shot gun, and put the six shooter in the holster. Having the shot gun in his hand, he headed inside the other room. The place wasn’t really big, just three rooms, he had already cleaned one, but the thing he was thinking now as he got to the door, how many people were inside the room? He would find out soon as he opened it just a little bit, he seen only one guard, it was probably the bodyguard of the assassins that killed Cicci. Pulling the shot gun back he put it trough the door and pointed, doing his best he fired a shot and It hit the guard in the leg. With the force of the bullet the guard fell down and Tom shot another bullet, taking him down Tom shot another bullet before it was to late and killed him instantly since the bullet hit him in the head. Having the guard down, he noticed one of the assassins fly out of the room, running the assassin didn’t know where Tom was, that was more fun and better for Tom as he kicked the door open and shot a couple of bullets at one of the assassins, sending him to the wall, dead. Having one of them down, Tom looked around, and then as he didn’t see anybody in the room he looked inside the other room and noticed the other one, who was shacking, probably because he wasn’t armed. But this would make it more fun for Tom, making sure one time before he went inside, Tom looked around the room trough the little glass square on the door, not knowing nobody was inside but the guy, Tom walked inside with the gun and yelled, ”Freeze, ya son of a bitch.” He said out of nowhere, as he pointed the gun at the assassin who was standing there, seeing the frustration in his face, Tom pointed the big barrel shot gun at his face and let go a bullet, killing him and leaving blood everywhere. Looking around he seen Cicci on the ground, who was dead, with a bullet in his head. ”Rest in peace.” Said Tom to him self as he looked around and now it was time to get out as he threw the shot gun on the ground and headed out, with a little pay back.

/Capo Regime , No More Violence (Age 37) ) /

Wow, times did pass very quick when you don’t pay attention to what year it is or such. Tom’s life had passed very quickly. But now as he got a little older, he wasn’t much of a violence man that he was. Like the work he did when he was Associates and Made man, those time have passed. He had done enough work for the family, even in his Associate year he did much of the work, as Made Man, he did a lot of work. But if you didn’t get the part, in every rank he had lost somebody, do to violence. That was one reason Tom didn’t like it for some reason. Yes, when you hear “Mob” you probably think of guns, money and gangsters of course. But if you were really in the business you would know it wasn’t all about that. You had to have the brains to be a gangster. It wasn’t just getting in a car, going to the place and kill the guy when you were doing a hit. You had to have it all planned out, take your time. If you didn’t, what would you really do when the gun didn’t work when you pulled the trigger in front of the victim? What if he pulled out a gun at you and shot you at the same moment? Those were the things that were stressing when you were a gangster, if you would think about it. But luckily for Tom it was no problem, since every hit he did when he was the lower ranks, he did them fine. Now Hits weren’t the only thing Associates and Made man did, it was heists, also you have to have the brains to plan it out. Tom always used to say, for heists you would need bigger brains then you would do a hit, but for both you need them. Even though wise guys weren’t educated, they were smart you could say, or street smart. They knew their stuff, they didn’t go around calling people mobsters, wise guys. Or saying welcome to the family, it was the thing of ours, a friend of ours. Stuff like that would get you respect, if you knew how to use it.

Now knowing all that stuff, just a couple of years later had passed, Tom was forty one, and now the Consiglieri in the Lucchese Crime Family he showed no sign of stopping in growing up the ranks. But Consiglieri had fit him, since he learned from all the best. Tom wasn’t the kind Don Vito Genovese was, or John Gotti, he wasn’t a war Consiglieri, he was a business Consglieri, that’s why for four straight ways Lucchese has been into, Tom was out of them. Not that he was smart or wasn’t a killer, it was something that was him. Nothing to do to change it. Nobody can change it.


Permission to make Bellas Restaurant - W/ All NPC's
Comments, please.

Words : 5800
Thanks who ever grades this, I mean it.

Tom"White Man"McLeyin

Consigliere/Family Lawyer
- The Lucchese Crime Family

Adopted Son of Sal Lucchese
- Al Neri, Jr
- Tommy Vallechi
Both NPCs are armed with a gun and kevlar vest, always on them

-Glock 21 (Always with me)

 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sat Apr 15, 2006 7:56 pm 
Chief of Staff
Chief of Staff

Joined: Sat Mar 11, 2006 7:53 pm
Posts: 350

Your sentence structures are off in a lot of these. You seem to start sentences with the word 'But' a lot, but you shouldn't start off with 'but' in the situations where you're starting off with 'but'. You know grammar ain't my shit, so get help with this in the Training Fourm. I'm going to take this heist this piece by piece, so stay tuned.

Little Start
I know you were shooting for a summary of your life here, but it came off kind of rushed. This isn't because you went fast, but something about your sentences disrupted the flow that a good heist should have. You go really fast through how you were an associate and capo and eventually Consig, but you don't put any detail into it. You make mention of it being tough being an Irish Capo of an Italian crew, but you don't make us feel anything about it. I'm hoping that you delve further into it later on in this heist. All those negatives aside, I do appreciate the story. Even though it is a Godfather Tom Hagenish rip off, you did kind of make it interesting with the whole 'I was the adopted son of a mob boss therefore people did shit for me' thing. The last sentence of this first part was kind of smooth too...actually it's the last two sentences but it could've just been one seperated by comma.

Associate, the New life Age 19
Ok this...this little part had holes in it. I like that you're having a friend of yours die, but you assume that the guy who killed him was his Capo Regime because he thought that Mickey would take over for him? That was off for me. You had no proof, yet you an associate was killing a made guy. That's ridiculous...any mobster would have your head on a platter for that. On top of everything, the Capo Regime of your father's family walks around with no gun? He throws a bottle at you? Why didn't he just walk up to you, take your gun, and shoot himself? You made one of the most important figures in a mob family look like a fucking punk, and that's pretty bad. Like I said, you had a decent idea with the whole 'My friend got whacked' scenerio, and if you had done a search, actually found out who killed him, and then got your revenge in a great action scene...it would've made this portion bomb.

Made Man, the Continue of the Mob Life
Ok, this was arguably the best part of your heist. I more or less got into this little action scene of yours. The part that bothered me was this: If you were at the window looking inside, why not just shoot them through the window instead of going through the front door and opening yourself up to getting shot that way? Wouldnt've that been simpler? Anyway like I said, I liked the build up, and I liked the way you built up Cicci. Aside from grammar issues, you did good on this part...no major complaints.

Capo Regime, No More Violence
This was a pointless section. I have no idea why you added it other than to make it a complete rise through the ranks. You did nothing here besides explain to us that Mademan and Associates did dirty work. This was clearly something you added to spruce up word count, so whatever.

Alright, overall this was an ok little piece to give your guy background. There was serious grammar issues all over, but that ain't my department so I don't give a shit. You tend to make situations really simple, which really takes away from this heist. You could've had a gold mine with that associate storyline where you avenged your friend Mickey, instead you took the cheap route and just guessed the Capo was the killer. You proceeded to murder a Made guy while you were an associate and you didn't even let that guy put up a fight. Your MadeMan part was actually pretty good. That right there is what's going to get you a good outcome...in the future use the model you used for the mademan section. Give us a build up, a scenerio, and then a good reason for the action. Capo Regime section was pointless.

Permission to make Bellas Restaurant - W/ All NPC's [APPROVED-NPCS:
[1x] Manager
[2x] Waiters
[1x] Baker
[1x] NPC of your choosing

*Note: If you take this to the Training Fourm and get help on it, I'll give your next heist a 10 grand boost.

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