M.S.R.P. II

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PostPosted: Mon Mar 06, 2006 1:42 am 
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Joined: Sat Mar 04, 2006 3:08 pm
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Location: Just Moved to Compton.
Smitty was escourted by the same guard to various places, he decided theis was his office to try to turn crooked as Vito DeGrazia had done to almost all of them. Vito was a measuring stick in this jail, everything you did was compared to what he did, Smitty's thing was if he couldn't measure up to the status of Vito he was damn sure gonna come close. Speaking of Vito he was over on the field playing some football, Smitty saw his chance to make a recruiting move while Vito was away. He walked up to two guys sitting by the weight benches. One of them was a medium build white man with Cornflower blond hair, the other was an athletic build light-skinned man with a goatee and some short langthed hair. Smitty walked over to them and began to speak, "What it do, Im Brandon but you can call me Smitty. I've seen you 2 on A-Block with me and wanted to let you now about a gang i'm tryna start on A-Block". The two mens focus was changed from the weight lifters to Smitty, they looked at him with a confused manor. The white man got up and began to speak, " I am Kevin, the boys call me KG, this is my cellmate Jordan we call him money cause his last name is Banks. Yeah, I've seen you on A-Block you're fresh meat around here." before he could finish Money interrupted, "Fuck all the small talkin' shit, now lets hear about that gang, can we get a name and some info?". Smitty was glad to see that they had some intrest and wanted them to join, " Well it's called The Gangsta Deciples, we only got two members so far but the future looks promising, also we got a gang sign it's like this" Smitty started showing them the gang sign. " Anyway, we sit in the south west corner of the lunch room, um we are the first no let me correct that second people in the jail to get things, Vito's crew is the first. Kevin who had been interrupted returned the favor, "Why the fuck should we join you, fresh meat?". Kevin was right wahy the fuck should two o.g.'s join a gang with a leader who is new in that jail, Smitty had an answer. " What fuckin' gang are you in? none the only gang around this bitch is Vito's and if he ain't approched you yet he's not going to, so are you in or out?. Smitty wasn't tryna start a fight but this fucker was being an asshole. There was an akward silence with Money and KG forming a type of mini huddle contimplating whether to join or not, finally the silence was broken when both men turned to Smitty, "We in". Smitty was estatic and wanted to leap for join like he had won the kentucky power ball but he didn't and began to walk away and speak, "Now, lets go find the other member Gary Johnson".
_________________________________________________________

Requests:
[NPC] Kevin "KG" Glass
[NPC] Jordan "Money" Banks

_________________
The Harlem Diplomatz
Image
[The Crew-NPC's]
-Micheal Hope[Dead]
-Harvey Thomas[Driver]
-Duane Harrison[Body Guard]
-Gary Johnson[Body Guard]
-Jimmy Smith[Gangsta]
-Nick Freeman[Gangsta]

[Inventory]
-Five-seveN
-40 Caliber Glock
-Micro Uzi
-Shank
-Ski Mask
-Kevlar Vest
-Leather Gloves
-Lock Pick
-T-Mobile MDA Phone
-Nextel cell phone[with chirp]

[Vehicle]
-2005 Chevy Trailblazer[Jet Black]
-1997 Ford Mustang[Jet Black]
-2006 Lexus LX[Metalic Silver]

And Yes I do make sigs and they're 1k each.


-Marcus Tzu
-Ruth
-Layla Simmons
-Jamal Woods


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PostPosted: Mon Mar 06, 2006 8:37 am 
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Joined: Tue Jan 24, 2006 8:36 am
Posts: 514
An hour or so, please.

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Professional RPing eh? Try pretentious, boring, and snobbish.
When a staffer says your piece looks great- don't believe them. They're pulling your leg, trying to get you to stay here. The real critics are long gone and stabbed.


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PostPosted: Mon Mar 06, 2006 8:54 am 
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Joined: Tue Jan 24, 2006 8:36 am
Posts: 514
The solution I found for this piece is very easy to come across with. Spellcheck on word processors really help a lot, and proper punctuation could help any reader understand what you're trying to say. There are the apostrophe's, capitalization errors- but I've been very lenient lately. I'm letting these things pass because I want to point out that you have to have roleplayed more convincing to get KG and Banks to join you. All I saw was this:
Quote:
Anyway, we sit in the south west corner of the lunch room, um we are the first no let me correct that second people in the jail to get things, Vito's crew is the first.

...and I didn't get it. What were you trying to say? I know you're trying to recruit people for a gang. It was clear- but for what purpose? You could add in another one, or better yet- make that sentence clear. I'm not looking for length. I just want a purpose.
I'm sorry- no. You can try again if you want, as if this never happened. Rebuild and repost.

_________________
Professional RPing eh? Try pretentious, boring, and snobbish.
When a staffer says your piece looks great- don't believe them. They're pulling your leg, trying to get you to stay here. The real critics are long gone and stabbed.


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