M.S.R.P. II

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PostPosted: Tue Mar 07, 2006 1:26 am 
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DEAD
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Joined: Sat Mar 04, 2006 3:08 pm
Posts: 136
Location: Just Moved to Compton.
We walked up to Gary, who at the moment was being held off his feet up against a wall by a big black man. I already knew who it was by a tatoo on his are which said Big Bubba Blue. Big Bubba was a legend in this jail, not for what he had done but for what happened to him. I know what you thinking he was analy rapped, no. He was beaten within inches of his life, literally by Vito DeGrazia. Yesterday was his first day back at Rikers and he was already lookin for another ass whoopin'. "Put him down bitch" Smitty yelled as he pushed through a small crowd that had formed. Bubba dropped Gary and refocused his attention to me, "Excuse me nigga?". Smitty pulled out his shank ready to use it but tossed it to Gary signaling that he was using his fists. He then turned his head back to Bubba and shove him backwards, "You mess with one GD, you mess wit all bitch" Smitty shouted as Bubba regained his balance. Bubba was now facing Smitty, but Gary was behind Bubba with the shank. Smitty had a gut feeling that Gary was gonna shank Bubba but really didn't belive it. Finally a punch was thrown when Bubba delivered a powerful punch to Smitty sending him to the ground, just then Gary jumped on Bubba's back and stabbed him in the chest 2 times. As Gary jumped off his back and Bubba grabbed for the shank, Smitty who was still on the ground swept Bubba. Bubba fell hard, and Gary ran in with a left blow to his face, Smitty was now up and was bent over putting the Gangsta Deciples gang sign on Bubbas chest. "Don't fuck with the GD's bitch nigga or you get fucked up." Gary yelled as he slapped the shit outta Bubba who was trying to get back up. There was now a big crowd which had attracted guards who ran in and grabbed Smitty and Gary, one officer grabbed his motorola walkie-talkie and called the warden, "We got a a fight in the rec yard, Brandon Smith and Gary Johnson were ingaged in a fight with Big Bubba, in the altercation Gary stabbed Bubba with a sharpend Toothbrush aka a shank, what do we do with them?". The officer started to cart us inside as medical personel from the jail hospital came to attend to Bubba. Smitty wasn't gonna be in as much trouble as Gary but nobody fucks with the Rikers Island Gangsta Deciples, no one. (Warden can pick up from here).
___________________________________________________________
Requests:
Big Bubba is hurt by the altercation.
I and the gangsta deciples gain some respect in the prision.

_________________
The Harlem Diplomatz
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[The Crew-NPC's]
-Micheal Hope[Dead]
-Harvey Thomas[Driver]
-Duane Harrison[Body Guard]
-Gary Johnson[Body Guard]
-Jimmy Smith[Gangsta]
-Nick Freeman[Gangsta]

[Inventory]
-Five-seveN
-40 Caliber Glock
-Micro Uzi
-Shank
-Ski Mask
-Kevlar Vest
-Leather Gloves
-Lock Pick
-T-Mobile MDA Phone
-Nextel cell phone[with chirp]

[Vehicle]
-2005 Chevy Trailblazer[Jet Black]
-1997 Ford Mustang[Jet Black]
-2006 Lexus LX[Metalic Silver]

And Yes I do make sigs and they're 1k each.


-Marcus Tzu
-Ruth
-Layla Simmons
-Jamal Woods


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Tue Mar 07, 2006 7:54 am 
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Joined: Tue Feb 28, 2006 4:02 am
Posts: 204
Location: Karlstad
Requests:
Big Bubba is hurt by the altercation. - Big Bubba is hurt by the altercation
I and the gangsta deciples gain some respect in the prision. - I and the gangsta deciples gain some respect in the prision.

Award Reasoning/Comments:

"Big Bubba is hurt by the altercation" - Big Bubba sustained two, minor stab wounds to the chest area, as well as a bruised eye and a red, irritated slap print on his face. He isn't happy.

"I and the gangsta deciples gain some respect in the prision" - You and the "Gangsta Deciples" have gained a tiny amount of respect from the prison. This respect isn't enough to grant you free reign and a fearsome look, no. This respect is at the level of the GD being known and appreciated for their penchant of sharpened dental tools and name calling.

Post Critique:

- To be quite frank, which I have been, lately, this didn't do it for me. Yes, I did grant you your requests, but that doesn't mean I thoroughly enjoyed myself. There were a few instances of you going from first person to third person while telling your jail tale:


Brandon Smith wrote:
"Put him down bitch" Smitty yelled as he pushed through a small crowd that had formed. Bubba dropped Gary and refocused his attention to me, "Excuse me nigga?".


- One thing I have a problem with is bad dialogue, which is something you need to work on. I decided to mention this when I read the following:

Quote:
"We got a a fight in the rec yard, Brandon Smith and Gary Johnson were ingaged in a fight with Big Bubba, in the altercation Gary stabbed Bubba with a sharpend Toothbrush aka a shank, what do we do with them?".


I didn't like that. It didn't seem like something a prison guard would say. The part of it that bugs me is "-stabbed Bubba with a sharpend Toothbrush aka a shank..." - Was the A.K.A. needed? One would think in a prison atmosphere, such terms as "sharpened toothbrush" would be all a guy would have to say. Of course the other end would understand what he was talking about. Sharpened toothbrushes, turkey bones, whatever - As long as the word "stab" and some household item or food leftover is mentioned together, one would automatically assume a shank (in a prison, mind you).

Done and Locked!

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